about me

Life changed for me when I was 9, when I discovered the darker side of the internet, which later led to the rest of the world's.. I discovered what kids call 'the bad side'. Mainly human actions and what they've caused to the earth. And ever since that incident, I could never say to myself that I could live or die happy. It was traumatizing to see what a world I live in, in reality, this world beyond doors and windows. What's surprising in this is that it wasn't a Godzilla or King Kong, but it was the work of us humans. Our own race. Such a 'bad thing' changed my perception of life forever. It changed my behavior to such that I wouldn't be labelled a 'child' anymore. My thinking matured, as did my way of life, and toys and birthdays meant no happiness to me. My hopes and dreams were rendered distorted and I found myself stuck in a world where said elements are mere forms of desperation that show what a pathetic point in time I am living in. In a world filled with so much inhumanity, I am no longer able to dream of a better future. People can ask me all they want about school or college of even social life, but then again, my said logical mind thinks, how can I possibly wonder over such trivial things when there's the rest of the world to worry about? I feel shame as a human being simply by living in this slowly degrading community. Sin and ignorance is everywhere. When I was young and innocent, my life truly seemed happy and blessed. Never had I expected things would turn out like this. But as the years passed, I concluded that good is indeed impossible. Perfection varies in a million levels, yet so does corruption. And humans are at the brink of corruption, in terms of togetherness and loving care. I am not living in a fantasy world of my own. I am standing still, frozen amidst a river that has not flowed and may not flow for years to come. I've long observed the world around me, having sacrificed most of my sacred childhood and gradually experiencing a personality change in the process. It really did change my life. Not much physically, but a whole lot in mental terms. I might just never be that same person again. But naturally, I've never been the type of person who talks about others or is crazy for love and wants a hunky boyfriend and all that. I've never cared much about myself, other than the need to succeed in school. My socially awkward and silent self would have mainly, if not completely, have been affected by that. I've long since been unable to be interested or become of interest in something. I knew life was harsh, yet I live on, clinging onto that single thread of hope that someday, somehow, this race really would come to terms with each other. I live on, hoping to relive this world with 'the good side' that I used to know as a child. Yet it is all but a pathetic ambition.

I'm now 14. And when someone asks what I'd like to be when I grow up, I answer that I do not yet know. They point out at my penchant for drawing and I reject their compliment. I draw to express myself, and every so often these drawings may represent an entirely different feeling. Anxiety, remorse, doubt, confusion. ...Sadness.

And time to time I would ask myself the same question I've asked for 6 years: why is this happening? Even when I very well know why. Because it is fated. When mankind someday has its downfall, it will not be caused by mother nature but by them, themselves. Whether it's something they did for their own wealth or for the sorrows of others, when the time of the end comes, it is us humans that will trigger it. Humans, the most superior of God's creations, are the real bringers of the apocalypse. It counts down to the day we become ignorant, the day we hate, the day we do harm, the day we sink in wealth, the day we lie, the day we hide from the truth and so on. Anything I write is from understanding.






((I'm sorry guys I just really needed to let this out..))